​THE HIT

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In the late spring of 2005 I finished my run around the Citadel Hill in Halifax and noticed that my leg would quiver in the shower.  This only lasted for a couple of weeks but over time I noticed that I had difficulty writing my name on credit card slips or brushing my teeth.  My dominant hand, my right hand, just didn't seem to want to reach the molars.  I thought to myself, "That's odd.”
 

I mentioned this to my family doctor at my annual checkup in July.  I shared that for the last couple months I was having a hard time writing and difficulty brush my teeth.  After listened to me he commented, “That’s Odd.”  He referred me to a specialist.

The first time I met a neurologist was that October.  i shared with him that my right hand was having hard time writing and difficulty brushing my teeth.  He looked at me and said, “That's odd.” After a couple of quick tests pointing at my nose and flipping my hand in my palm he continued, "But I know what it might be, or at least what your choices are.  You either have a brain tumor Parkinson's disease." What a choice.

That was hit day.  I was aware both conditions intimately.  A good friend of mine had died on the operating table while doctors were trying to biopsy his brain tumor and my Mothers brother had a wife that was well into her life with Parkinson's plus syndrome.  I sat in my car after my appointment numbly.  I had a jumble of thoughts and as well as no thoughts at all.  I question why I would get this because because of my night it made no sense.  I was a vegetarian with a healthy lifestyle physical activity running marathons, kayaking, trekking up mountains on three continents.  What the hell was I doing with this condition? After all it was an old person’s disease, or so I thought. 

I kept my diagnosis to myself for a year and learned first-hand personal that "denial" is not just a River in Egypt.  This was particularly difficult visiting the aunt Polly and she was excited to show me an instructional video on a new treatment process for “her” condition called deep brain stimulation.  The process involves drilling a hole the top of the head and inserting electrodes whose vibrations are controlled by a unit like a pacemaker.  It is designed to neutralize the tremors.  Scientifically awesome technology but in my gut I had a sinking feeling wondering if that might be my future when in store.

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I was a serial monogamist, after a while getting to close I would sabotage and emotionally withdraw. Looking back I never really felt worthy of love and I pretty much given up on having a relationship feeling unworthy for love and now even more so with a chronic condition.  I even went so far as to write a letter to the Oprah Show with a suggestion she do story on guys with chronic disease that no one would want to love.  That mindset was to window up to my  pity party and I didn't feel confident enough to mail it.

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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Fast forward ​

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I remet Andrea at the Stan Rogers Folk festival in July of 2006. We had dated 18 years ago. As we fell for each other again, I resisted, as usual but this time was different. Over the next six months I surrendered to love. We got married and I moved out of my bachelor apartment with the stench of cat pee in the hall way into a sweet 3 bedroom home with a fenced in back yard. The perfect house for raising a family. In due course we got the surprise announcement that we were approved to adopt baby girl. That blessing doubled when we found out we were pregnant a year and a half later and Andrea gave birth to our son at age 45.

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My life dreams were complete. I surrendered to love and life unimagined unfolded. I now have a very rich future to look forward to. Watching my children grow and become beautiful. Parkinson's will always be in my life but I chose to place it in the background of my life. My family is in the foreground!

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If I could do it again, would I trade a disease free bachelor life for what I have manifested today because of having Parkinson's? The answer is no because I got the gift, emotionally, literally, spiritually? If it took a major disease to humble me to be open to receive it all then let it be so.​